How do you best deal with divorce when the child is under 2?
Children under two will often notice differences in parent’s mood and emotionality. Between one and two years old they will be aware if one parent is no longer living at home. Parents may notice disruptions in eating habits, and typical sleeping patterns, and other routine behaviors. It may also be notably more difficult to comfort and soothe children of this age when crying and upset.
Parents should put special emphasis on maintaining normal daily routines and activities. Increasing the usual frequency of reassuring words and behaviors like positive attention and affection can also be helpful. Special attention should also be given to known comfort objects and activities like stuffed animals, blankets, songs, videos, and foods.
What changes when the child is 3 - 5 years old?
Parents may notice a regression in learned behaviors like eating skills, speaking, and potty training or re-emergence of behaviors that were resolved like thumb sucking or difficulty dressing. Children in this age range may also show anger toward one or both parents or have anxiety or irritability when separating from parents. Some children may have sleep disturbances such as fear of sleeping alone or nightmares.
Spending more time than is usual with children of this age can often diminish detrimental effects, as can placing more emphasis on giving verbal reassurances and expression of love, concern, and affection.
And what about in elementary school when they can understand much more?
Children of this age are usually able to have a good understanding of what it means not to be married anymore and that parents may not have feelings of love for each other as they did in the past. There may be a strong tendency for children of this age to blame themselves and feel they are in some way responsible for the divorce. Worry and anxiety may become evident. Nightmares may occur. Anger and aggression may begin to become problematic Children may also develop elaborate fantasies about things returning to the way they were and parents getting back together.
It is vital that parents clearly, specifically, and repeatedly reassure children that they are not to blame or the cause of the divorce. They should be encouraged to speak about their feelings and opinions related to the divorce, and especially to feel comfortable asking questions. Parents should also be careful to be clear that divorce is final and that things will not go back they way they were in the past.
For the parents - tips on handling the emotions that come along with divorce without worrying the children. Is it ok to let them see you cry?
Children are incredibly perceptive. When serious marital discord erupts, the most important thing to avoid is lying or pretending that there are not problems. It is much more damaging to children of all ages to be forced to cope with this kind of charade than to simply face the fact that parents are having conflict and even considering divorce. Lying and pretending sends a clear message that it is not acceptable for children to ask questions or to express difficult feelings about parental conflict such as fear, anger, and anxiety. It also increases the likelihood that children create their own answers to questions they might have, which can often be much more disturbing than the actual reality.
What about divorce like that of reality stars Jon and Kate, who have eight children? Any addition tips when you have such a large family?
With regard to the effects on children of seeing parental issues played out on reality TV, the children are likely to be vulnerable to negative effects of parental marriage conflicts aired on television. For younger children, the need for the feeling of safety, security, and predictability is vital for general well-being and healthy development. Feeling safe and secure is often very closely tied to children’s perception of stability in the parent’s relationship. Witnessing marital discord and conflict on television can severely undermine these important needs in young children. It can incite fear, uncertainty, anxiety, and even undermine self-esteem and the ability to trust, particularly if the child is not exposed to or aware of any conflict prior to viewing things on television.
Older children tend to be less impacted by the need for perceived comfort and safety, however they are often extremely sensitive to the judgment of peers and have very strong needs around feeling accepted and esteemed. Things aired about parents on television that are viewed as negative, demeaning, humiliating, or embarrassing can also undermine esteem and negatively impact their peer relationships.
August 27, 2009
July 14, 2009
PsychTIP: Saying "NO" in online dating.
DON’T DELAY. If you’re certain there is no spark or attraction, don’t agree to additional dates and end correspondence as soon as possible. Postponing ending only makes it more difficult for both of you.
WAIT BEFORE REJECTING. Do not initiate communication with someone you don’t want to see or talk with just to say thank you for a date. Say thank you or other niceties when you are still on the date and do not initiate further communication. Many people will take the subtle but clear hint that you are not interested and you can avoid having to reject them directly. If they communicate with you, but do not ask for another date, do not respond too quickly to their communications and keep your responses extremely brief and polite. Do not ask any questions. This can also communicate a message without having to come right out and say it. If they persist and ask you out, be clear, do not elaborate, and resist the urge to explain or apologize. Thank them for the invitation, but politely decline. (e.g. “Thanks for the invite, but I’m going to have to decline. Best wishes.”
BE REASONABLE. If you have had a lot of in-person contact with someone, it's generally a good rule of thumb to end things in-person as well. If you’ve only been on a few dates and most of your contact with the person has been via technology, it's more acceptable to end things this way, and likely more comfortable for both of you. The thing to avoid is communicating disrespect or disregard for the person's feelings. This can often be communicated by not taking much time to compose your message, and not responding to questions or reactions. I like the "one break-up, one follow-up" rule for correspondence via technology. If the person continues to try to communicate after that, and you've made it clear that you don't have interest, it's more appropriate to just stop responding.
BE HONEST. Avoid saying things you don’t mean like “I enjoyed meeting you” or “I had a nice time” or “You seem like a great person” if you don’t really feel that way. Many people can sense insincerity. This will only make it more likely that you are hurtful or incite a negative reaction. Try your best to remain honest and keep it simple.
BE REALISTIC. No one likes being rejected. Don’t expect a positive reaction or be surprised by a negative or unseemly one. After all, you really don’t know the person and felt that you didn’t want to know them. Sometimes our instincts and intuition are in tune yet not quite in our awareness. If someone does react inappropriately, do not engage them. End communication immediately and do not respond to any attempts to communicate on their part.
TAKE CUES. Most people who strive to treat others as they would like to be treated sometimes end up making avoidable blunders when handling these kinds of situations. Don't assume the person is like you and would want to hear and be treated the way you would in the same situation. Instead, pay attention and take cues from what you know about the person from spending time with them and what they have shared with you about themselves. For example, if someone often seemed uncomfortable talking about their feelings, it might be better to keep things polite and more superficial rather than discussing emotions and feelings in too much depth.
LISTEN AND RESPOND. Listen and respond to whatever reaction you get. Try to focus on what you think the person is feeling if they are not being clear about it. Either way, attempt to validate their feelings, but don't overly engage. Keep statements simple and resist the urge to console or apologize. For example:
"I hear that this is really frustrating for you."
"I understand you feel I might have been misleading. It wasn't my intention."
WAIT BEFORE REJECTING. Do not initiate communication with someone you don’t want to see or talk with just to say thank you for a date. Say thank you or other niceties when you are still on the date and do not initiate further communication. Many people will take the subtle but clear hint that you are not interested and you can avoid having to reject them directly. If they communicate with you, but do not ask for another date, do not respond too quickly to their communications and keep your responses extremely brief and polite. Do not ask any questions. This can also communicate a message without having to come right out and say it. If they persist and ask you out, be clear, do not elaborate, and resist the urge to explain or apologize. Thank them for the invitation, but politely decline. (e.g. “Thanks for the invite, but I’m going to have to decline. Best wishes.”
BE REASONABLE. If you have had a lot of in-person contact with someone, it's generally a good rule of thumb to end things in-person as well. If you’ve only been on a few dates and most of your contact with the person has been via technology, it's more acceptable to end things this way, and likely more comfortable for both of you. The thing to avoid is communicating disrespect or disregard for the person's feelings. This can often be communicated by not taking much time to compose your message, and not responding to questions or reactions. I like the "one break-up, one follow-up" rule for correspondence via technology. If the person continues to try to communicate after that, and you've made it clear that you don't have interest, it's more appropriate to just stop responding.
BE HONEST. Avoid saying things you don’t mean like “I enjoyed meeting you” or “I had a nice time” or “You seem like a great person” if you don’t really feel that way. Many people can sense insincerity. This will only make it more likely that you are hurtful or incite a negative reaction. Try your best to remain honest and keep it simple.
BE REALISTIC. No one likes being rejected. Don’t expect a positive reaction or be surprised by a negative or unseemly one. After all, you really don’t know the person and felt that you didn’t want to know them. Sometimes our instincts and intuition are in tune yet not quite in our awareness. If someone does react inappropriately, do not engage them. End communication immediately and do not respond to any attempts to communicate on their part.
TAKE CUES. Most people who strive to treat others as they would like to be treated sometimes end up making avoidable blunders when handling these kinds of situations. Don't assume the person is like you and would want to hear and be treated the way you would in the same situation. Instead, pay attention and take cues from what you know about the person from spending time with them and what they have shared with you about themselves. For example, if someone often seemed uncomfortable talking about their feelings, it might be better to keep things polite and more superficial rather than discussing emotions and feelings in too much depth.
LISTEN AND RESPOND. Listen and respond to whatever reaction you get. Try to focus on what you think the person is feeling if they are not being clear about it. Either way, attempt to validate their feelings, but don't overly engage. Keep statements simple and resist the urge to console or apologize. For example:
"I hear that this is really frustrating for you."
"I understand you feel I might have been misleading. It wasn't my intention."
July 3, 2009
June 11, 2009
psychTIP: How to avoid cheating in a relationship.
IMAGINE GETTING CAUGHT. I encourage those experiencing the temptation to cheat to imagine they get caught. Answering questions like "What will you say to your partner after she finds out?" and "What will you do if he ends the relationship?" can help disconnect from the imagined pleasures of fantasy and connect with the reality of possible consequences for infidelity.
TAKE A TIME OUT. Many decisions to cheat take place on impulse and without any consideration. Taking even five or ten minutes to consider the choice to cheat can short circuit impulsivity. Try answering two questions: What do I have to gain? What do I have to lose?
REMEMBER YOU CAN STOP ANYTIME. Many fall into cheating after crossing a smaller boundary like taking a phone number or kissing. The tendency is to equate any boundary being crossed with ALL boundaries being crossed. Think about the difference in how you would feel finding out your partner kissed someone else, and how you would feel finding out that your partner slept with someone else. Stopping any time short of intercourse is better than not at all.
TAKE A TIME OUT. Many decisions to cheat take place on impulse and without any consideration. Taking even five or ten minutes to consider the choice to cheat can short circuit impulsivity. Try answering two questions: What do I have to gain? What do I have to lose?
REMEMBER YOU CAN STOP ANYTIME. Many fall into cheating after crossing a smaller boundary like taking a phone number or kissing. The tendency is to equate any boundary being crossed with ALL boundaries being crossed. Think about the difference in how you would feel finding out your partner kissed someone else, and how you would feel finding out that your partner slept with someone else. Stopping any time short of intercourse is better than not at all.
April 30, 2009
Quote: Self
Often when someone is speaking about "society" or "mankind" they are speaking about their true self.
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